Rainbows and Darkness

I drove to work today in silence. The streets were wet, and the sun was hidden by a heavy darkness that covered the city. I knew this day would come and go just like it has every year for the last 13 years. This year was different, though. I felt such a sadness and a heaviness in my heart that had managed to escape me in previous years. I thought to myself, "Why today? Why now? It's been 13 years." I drove and I cried. I remembered how tragic this day was 13 years ago. To be 15 years old and have your mom tell you that you should really sit down because she has some bad news. I remember it like it was yesterday. I already knew the news. It was strange. So very strange, but I knew. I knew my dad had died, and that he had taken his own life. To hear her words was just confirmation of what my heart had already somehow figured out. It's the most bizarre feeling in the world - one day someone you love is alive and well. You can talk to them, touch them, feel their hair in your fingers and the warmth of their skin. The next minute, they're gone. Forever. How does one even begin to process that? Especially as a 15 year old girl. That day forever changed me as a person. In many ways I'm better, stronger, more compassionate and understanding. But today I felt like that 15 year old girl all over again. Vulnerable and broken. And I kept trying to figure out why. I've been able to successfully remove myself further and further from that day and that situation with every year that's passed. It often doesn't feel like it happened to me. When I think about it, it's like watching a movie of someone else's life. So why on earth was today so different?

Then I thought about Zoe, and how in 5 short months she has managed to steal my heart and completely captivate every part of me. And while it made me sad to think that my dad (and grandma) will never meet her, I realized what was so different about today. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought of her dad. My dad and her dad, and the realization that people have an incredibly hurtful power: to leave. Both of those men chose to remove themselves from my life. One by taking his own life, and the other by simply turning his back and walking away. Death is so powerful in its' own right. It's an unwanted separation. And although the willful ending of a relationship (either by the choice of one partner or both) is not a death, it sure can feel like one. I loved Chris. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. He made that choice for me. My dad took himself away from me. I had no choice in that either. And, oh, my heart just breaks all over again at the thought. I can even look back at both situations and have justified reasons for why it's best for both people to be gone, yet I'm still overwhelmed by the thought (and fear) that a person can grab ahold of your heart, cause you to love with such fullness, and then leave. Just like that. With no warning, and sometimes with seemingly no care or concern for your feelings or well being. Wow. What a gift and a responsibility love is. Sometimes we can be so careless with the hearts of others, and our own as well.

I continue my silent drive to the office and through the cold tears, a grin forms on my face. I see a rainbow that starts at one end of the valley and stretches itself clear to the other side. And I think to myself, "Of course." If there's one thing that love, loss, pain, and grief has taught me, it's that if you look hard enough, you really can always see a rainbow. So cheesy and cliche, I know, but it has proven itself to be true in my life over and over again.

I'm remembering you today, dad. And everything you taught me in your life and in your death.

Who am I?

As I've been working on (procrastinating) updating my blog, Jodi Packe, my friend and Zoe's babysitter posts this on my facebook wall today:

http://www.graceisforsinners.com/life/what-falling-away-means/

And here's my reaction:

YESSSSSS!!!! This is it. This is what I've been waiting for. Three words came to me after reading this. "Who." "Am." " I?" 1. Who am I to think that my decisions, choices, mistakes, etc. could interfere with the ultimate plan of the God of the universe? I mean really. I need to get over myself. 2. I questioned God about His decision to harden Pharaoh's heart many years ago. His response to me came in the form of a scripture in Romans (which one, I can't recall) and went something like this: "I'm God. I do what I feel I need to do for MY glory and to SAVE you and people just like you. The end." Not to say I think He's hardened my heart. Maybe He has. Maybe He hasn't. But maybe He's let it REMAIN hardened for an ultimately greater purpose. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really freaking matter because He's got this. All of it. He's taught me SO much about seasons. Seasons. Seasons. SEASONS. They change, they come, they go. Nothing remains the same, ever. Except His love for me. Last Sunday (not yesterday, the one before) He reminded me of His love for me. He stirred my heart. As if to say, "I am not like all your previous lovers. Or even lovers to come. My love for you remains. My love for you will never take you and use you for all you're worth only to leave you and abandon you. Your last lover left you and his own flesh and blood, of his own volition. I will not. Nor will my love pass over Zoe. She will never be without this Holy Love or without a Father." So maybe this is a season of hardening? How quickly and easily I forgot that I am that ONE sheep He would drop everything for to bring me back to HIS flock. And here's the kicker... How blessed am I to be one of the few that would KNOW HIS VOICE??? Once you've heard that voice... once you KNOW that Shepherd...you never forget. You can't un-know what's already been known! So I'll be over here, Lord. Doing what I'm doing. Running myself ragged. Spinning in this hampster wheel over and over and over again...until my hands are stained red, filthy, dirty, worn, beaten, bruised, stenched, disgusting, and rotten. Prepare my heart. Open my ears to hear You calling. I might decide I still want to play in this muddy grass over here for a little while longer, but I won't forget Your voice. I won't forget YOU. You haven't forgotten me. And still... I can't help but think, who the hell am I? Wow. Who feels humbled and free today? Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders? This girl. Thank you my sweet, sweet Jodi.

Dear Zoe...

PLEASE GO TO SLEEP!!!

Today I drove 40 minutes to take you to the babysitter. When I got there I realized that I never strapped your car seat in. Thank God we didn't get in an accident. Then, later in the afternoon at work, I realized I was wearing two different shoes. No joke. Then on the way home, I strapped your car seat in, but I didn't strap YOU into the car seat!!!! And do you want to know why I did all these ridiculous things today?

Because you keep me up all night!!!! :) I am SO tired that I am not thinking straight!

Then, on the way home, our 40 minute drive turned into an hour and 40 minutes because of an accident on the freeway. We were stopped and waiting for a very long time. You were hungry and screaming. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore so I pulled over to the side of the freeway, took you out of your car seat and nursed you right then and there! You should have seen the looks I got! I was nearly causing another accident! Now you can't ever say I'm a bad mom. :)

You are THREE months old now!!! You have changed so much just this last WEEK. You are SO alert and very smart. You are a momma's girl, BIG TIME, and I love it. Sometimes you cry just because you don't want anyone to hold you other than me. This week you have taken a liking to the binky. YAY! It makes soothing you just a little bit easier. I know it's going to be difficult to break the habit, but for now, it works for both of us. You talk to me a lot. You love smiling and you actually laughed out loud for the first time a few weeks ago!!! I cried. It was the most beautiful and amazing thing I'd ever heard. You haven't done it since though. Little stinker.

My love for you grows every single day. Just when I think my heart is filled to capacity, it expands! I love you my little monkey.

Dear Zoe...

You are already 2 months old! I cannot believe how much you are changing. You're smiling at me all the time now. You coo and wiggle your arms and legs around constantly. You're developing quite a personality already. Today, for instance, you were so fun and sweet and cute. Yesterday you were PISSY! :)You prefer to be held while the person holding you is standing up and bouncing. If we sit down, you cry. Your best time of day is first thing in the morning. As soon as you wake up, you will sit with me for an hour or so and just smile and talk. It's my favorite time of day with you. The last 4 or 5 nights you have slept through the night, going to sleep at around 8pm and waking up at 6am. I'm hoping this sticks because I have to go back to work in a few days. I am NOT happy about this. It makes me want to cry just thinking about being away from you the majority of the day. I'm leaving you in good hands and I plan to make every minute that I do have with you count. You are getting SO cute. Everyone says so. You have been referred to as the "Gerber Baby" on many occasions already. You do this pouty lip thing lately that breaks my heart. If you did that and asked for ______, I'd give it to you. Here's a picture of you doing this. It's fitting that we happened to be on the way to get your first round of shots...



You light me up. Your smiles and cries make me feel emotions I never knew I had. You are so beautiful. And you're stubborn and strong willed already. You refuse to nap during the day. 15-20 minute cat naps at a time are all I can get out of you. I let it slide, however, because you sleep through the night. :) You get SO tired and you just refuse to sleep. You fight it til the end! Finally, when you lose your will, you snuggle your little head on my shoulder, rub your face all over my shirt, cuddle, and eventually close your eyes and sleep. I hope you will always cuddle with me that way. It is truly THE best thing ever. Oh, and if I didn't mention it before: you HATE your car seat!!! You scream bloody murder the WHOLE time you're in the car. The second I take you out, you stop. I don't get it. People tell me you will grow out of this. I hope quickly because it is heartbreaking for me to see you so upset every time we go anywhere.

Here are some photos of my 2 month old little monkey!:






I could post and look at pictures of you ALL DAY!!!

Goodbye, my friend.

I had to say goodbye yesterday to Sadie, my first very own dog. I got her the Summer of 2006 and we shared 5 incredible years together. She was my constant companion and stood by me through some very difficult times. She encouraged me to get outside and exercise while I was losing weight. She was with me through thick and thin, really quite literally. When I found out I was pregnant, I had to short sell my house and move back in with my family because I knew I wouldn't be able to afford a house and a baby by myself. Unfortunately my parents already have two dogs and couldn't take in me, my baby, and my dog, so I had to find her a new home. An old friend and co-worker, Yvonne, ended up taking her to live with her and her four children. Ironically, Yvonne lives in the exact same neighborhood as my parents, so I was able to see her all the time. It really could not have worked out any better. Yvonne and her children fell madly in love with Sadie. Each one of them developed a very special bond with Sadie. I visited often and even babysat while Yvonne and her family went out of town.

About a month ago Sadie suffered an injury to her knee and hip. It caused her great pain and neither Yvonne or myself could afford the surgery necessary to fix it. Even if we could, the doctor said there was a 50% chance the other knee would blow, requiring another surgery. Every day it seemed Sadie was in more and more pain. She got to the point where she would basically only to get up to eat and use the bathroom. She appeared to be in severe pain and depressed. Finally she stopped eating and drinking and in her irritable and painful state, she bit Yvonne's 4 year old son. Yvonne and I talked and decided that she needed to be put down. Her quality of life was no longer good and neither of us could bear to see her in so much pain, even while on daily pain meds. We went to the animal hospital yesterday together and said our goodbye's. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I will miss Sadie so very much. I miss her face and her special "Sadie smile." She was one of a kind, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get another dog. Anyway, here are some photos to remember her and our time together.

Dear Zoe...

Dear Zoe,

You turned one month old on Wednesday. You are already so different than just a few short weeks ago! You're so much more alert. You make eye contact with me now and follow my face around. You're starting to smile on purpose instead of just in your dreams. You're beginning to coo and make such cute noises. Although I don't make quite enough milk for you, we are really getting the hang of nursing and we always do that before topping you off with formula. You love baths but hate getting dressed. You get bored easily and have to be entertained. You LOVE being outside. It calms you right down. You love looking out the window in the morning and seeing the sunlight. You prefer to be walked around, rocked, and bounced, rather than just laying or sitting on my lap. You like when Grandma sings to you. You poop a lot while Aunt Taylor is holding you and it makes us laugh every time. You sleep best on your tummy. I am completely unsure whether or not you like riding in the car. Sometimes you love it and other times you scream the whole way. I don't like it when you cry. It breaks my heart. You're getting more beautiful every day and expanding the size of my heart minute by minute. Everyday I realize how blessed I am that you happened to me.

Love,

Mama

Here's you at 1 month old:

Happy Birthday Zoe Ann!!!

Zoe Ann Nalder was born on Sunday, May 22, 2011 at 3:27am. She weighed 7 pounds 9 ounces and was 20 and 1/4 inches long. Here is the story of her birth:

Zoe was due Sunday, May 29th, 2011. On Thursday, May 19th, I went for my normal weekly visit to the doctor. He checked me and seemed surprised that I was already dilated to a 3. He said that could mean that I could go into labor in 6 hours or in 2 weeks. Basically, it's difficult to predict when a woman will go into labor based on how dilated she is. He did say, however, that he would be surprised if I made it another week. I was hoping for sooner rather than later because I was so uncomfortable. Also, I did not want to be induced. I wanted to go into labor on my own, and my doctor had already told me he would induce me no later than a few days after my due date.

The next day I stayed home from work because I was having really bad cramps that morning. The only thing that made me feel better was lying down, so I called into work, decided I would try to go back to sleep and if the cramps woke me up, I knew things were getting started. They didn't wake me up. I slept for about 4 hours and when I woke up I felt like a new woman. No more cramps. I was confused and disappointed. As scared as I was to go into labor (for a million different reasons), I was physically ready to get the show on the road. I was over being pregnant. Friday I went about my usual business and figured labor was still a ways away.

Saturday morning I didn't have any cramps and hadn't noticed any changes... until I went to use the restroom and lost my mucous plug. Gross, I know, but it's all part of the miraculous process. I knew that for some women this was an indicator that labor was very near, while for others labor was still weeks away. I was excited to be one step closer to labor and delivery nonetheless. My dear friend and very experienced mother of four, Millisa, had a feeling I might go into labor that night and suggested I spend the night at her house since she lived much closer to the hospital than me. I thought it was a good idea, and since they were having a barbecue with some mutual friends, it sounded like fun. I left to go to her house around 5pm Saturday night. On the 45 minute drive to her house, I started having contractions. They were stronger than the braxton hicks contractions I had been experiencing for weeks before. I had three very strong contractions within the 45 minutes it took me to get her house. As the night went on, the contractions kept coming. They weren't really anything to write home about until about 8pm. By this time they were getting much stronger and closer together. Millisa and I started keeping track of my contractions by using an app on her iphone. It monitored how long they lasted and how far apart they were. They were really starting to hurt. My doctor told me that it was time to go to the hospital when contractions got to 5-10 minutes apart, my water broke, or if I began to bleed. By about 9:45 my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart and very painful. Millisa and I decided it was time to get to the hospital.

We got to the hospital at about 10pm. The contractions were getting even MORE painful and closer together. When they checked me, I was dilated to a 5-6! Within minutes the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and the pain was becoming unbearable. It was time for the epidural. I was upset to learn that I would have to wait until an entire IV bag had gone through my body and blood was drawn and results received. I labored until midnight in a lot of pain, when finally the anesthesiologist arrived. One of my fears about the epidural was that it would only numb one side of my body, and guess what? That's exactly what happened. Luckily, the anesthesiologist was able to finagle it some and roll me on my side and eventually it started working properly. I was so relieved. Just then I felt a strange sensation. I notified the nurses that I had either just peed on myself, or my water had broken. Thank God, it was my water that broke. I would have been embarrassed if I had just peed all over myself. Turns out they had given me a catheter to avoid that very thing. Looking back, I find it comical that I was worried about peeing on myself when what seemed like 4,679,321 people were about to see me spread eagle in the center of the room with all eyes directly on my vagina. It's amazing how quickly all insecurity and modesty goes right out the window with childbirth. Anyway, I digress. Although I couldn't feel any more pain and I was so happy for that, I was very freaked out by the sensation the epidural gave me. I felt paralyzed from the waist down and it was a very unsettling feeling. My blood pressure shot through the roof and I began to panic a bit. Once I got used to the feeling, the nurses encouraged me to take a nap to prepare for the pushing I'd be doing in a while. It was midnight and at this point I was dilated to a 7. My mom asked the nurses at what time we could expect to have a baby and they said they expected me to dilate about 1 centimeter every hour. Their prediction was that I would be complete (dilated to a 10) by about 3am and then pushing could take anywhere from minutes to 3 hours. So certainly by 6am, Zoe would be here.

We (myself, my mom, Millisa, and Danica) had just settled in to take a snooze when the nurses thought it appeared I had stopped contracting. Another fear of mine was that getting an epidural would stall labor. They came in at about 1am and determined that the external monitor had just stopped picking up my contractions so they wanted to put in an internal monitor that attached to the baby's head to continue to monitor my contractions. Bev (my favorite nurse) went to put in the monitor and to her surprise found that I was already complete! Dilated to a 10! We were all shocked and excited. I had progressed so quickly! It was almost time to push! I didn't feel any desire or need to push yet and Bev said that the baby still needed to make her way down the birth canal a bit more, so we decided to just hang out a little while longer and let the contractions and gravity do their work.

At around 2am Bev decided to go ahead and have me do a few practice pushes to see how well I did. She seemed impressed so she decided to go ahead and keep them coming. I pushed. And pushed. And pushed. That part of the labor was the most difficult part for me, hands down. Eventually I had pushed enough that it was time to call my doctor (and wake him up) to get him to the hospital to deliver my baby. Within 10-15 minutes Dr. Lopez arrived and it was time to welcome Zoe to the world. I kept pushing and it felt like a - 1 step forward 2 steps back - process. Dr. Lopez, my mom, Millisa, Danica, and 5 or 6 nurses were all there cheering me on. When I would give a good push they would all get excited and start screaming and cheering because they could see the head emerging, but I'd stop pushing and her head would go back in. Too much info? Sorry. I would push with ALL my might, and after doing it over and over and over again and her head still not coming out, I was ready to throw in the towel. I was ready to say "Just cut her out! I don't care what you have to do, just get her out!!!" I felt like I was getting nowhere and I was EXHAUSTED. Everyone would keep saying "You're so close! She's almost out! You're doing great!" Eventually I thought they were all lying just to keep me going. At one point my mom said "You're so close, Nichole! She's right there!" and I replied with a scream "No she's NOT! Mom!" The nurse offered a mirror so that I could see they were telling the truth. I declined with an attitude. After just a few more pushes, her head was out! A few seconds later she was placed on my belly while the nurses cleaned her off and I got to touch her and say hello.



A few seconds later she was whisked away to the baby warmer to be weighed, measured, cleaned, poked, prodded, etc.



There was a concern though. She would NOT cry. Apparently it's important that they do that because it gets the mucous and other nasty things out of their lungs. She was breathing and she had great color but she wouldn't cry. They had to use tubes to suction out her nose and throat. They worked on her for a LONG time and at one point told me she might need to go to the NICU. Eventually they had a nurse from the NICU come up and take a look at her. She concluded that she was okay, she was just being stubborn. Even after 2 shots and a bath, they could not get her to cry. While all of this was happening, my doctor was busy stitching me up. I had some pretty bad tears that needed to be repaired. It took an hour for him to stitch me up, and an hour for the nurses to finish working on her. Finally, I got to hold my baby. She was so beautiful and precious. She was wide awake, alert, and content just being in my arms. We spent the next hour nursing and getting acquainted with one another while everyone else in the room finally fell asleep. It was a precious moment that I will never forget. I was in awe. Of her. Of what had just happened. Of myself and what I had accomplished. All I knew was that I didn't want us to ever be apart from that day forward.

Here's a photo of Zoe taken the next day in the hospital:



It's now been 3 and 1/2 weeks and I swear I fall more in love with her with each day that passes. Here's a photo of us taken yesterday:



I'm a very proud mama and I cannot wait to document more of her and our adventures together. My life is all about her now. It's just me and her from this point forward, and I am more than content with that.