All that being said, I am overwhelmed by changes in my life currently. I talk and talk and talk and yet I feel no relief. Everything before me is so unknown and I feel like there is no resolution to my problem until those things become known.
2010 was the best year of my life to date. I had lost 120 pounds and was continuing down the scale.
For the first time in my life, I was beginning to know the feeling of being comfortable in my own skin. I felt attractive, vibrant, full of life and energy, for the first time...ever. All of this was made even sweeter by the fact that I had fully recovered from the worst year of my life in 2009. With depression, anxiety, and paralyzing agoraphobia in the rear view mirror, my life had become a celebration. Part of that celebration was meeting and falling in love with a man (for only the second time in my life). I actually had a legitimate boyfriend.
For people who know me, it is understood that this was quite a big deal. Although I had had many "relationships" over the years with men, they were never legitimate and almost always were dysfunctional in some way. But this was very different. I loved this man, and he loved me, and we were equally crazy about each other and excited for the future together. Or so I thought. I met Chris on a free dating website. I will never forget the first time I saw him. We met for our first date at Desert Breeze Park. I showed up with Starbucks and blankets and he had kites, bubbles, and other fun and silly goodies. We sat next to each other on that blanket for hours talking. This was one of those times that we both knew one another's life story before that date was over and there was no judgement- just acceptance of one another, where we had been, where we were going, and who we were. I knew before that date was over that this was going to turn into something real, meaningful, and legitimate. When it got dark, we knew we needed to leave the park, but neither of us were ready to go home. We went to a movie and whispered to each other the whole time-laughing, not paying attention at all. We left the movie having no idea what we had just watched, he kissed me, and we were inseparable from that moment forward. Our relationship was a total whirlwind. We fell in love hard and quickly. Everything moved quickly. Too quickly. But we loved every second of it. We were on a ride and neither of us wanted off. Until I spoke the two words that would forever change the course of both of our lives: "I'm pregnant."
Yes. Those are THREE different tests.All of a sudden everything came crashing to a hault. It had only been a little over a month. Suddenly, we became keenly aware of how truly immature our relationship was. It had just begun, and although it was great, fantastic even, there were so many things we had yet to discover about one another. We were in no shape or form ready to make any kind of life long commitment, yet that is exactly what we had created. We were shocked, scared, and confused.
My entire life all I've ever wanted is to be a wife and mother. Although this was NEVER the way I would have planned to do this, it seemed as though this just might be something I could look forward to. I was with a man I loved, he loved me, and were going to try to make this work. He knew that abortion was never going to be an option for me. I didn't have it in me to terminate innocent life. We discussed the possibility of adoption, but I just couldn't. I wasn't sixteen. I had recently graduated from college and had a decent job. I had way too much support to even consider anything but keeping the baby and being its mother. At first, Chris was on board. We would constantly discuss baby names and discuss our finances over and over to see how we were going to make this work. At one point he told me he thought it would be a good idea for us to go to Babies R' Us or Target and go look at baby stuff. Although there was definitely some excitement attached to having a baby, neither one of us could eliminate the shock or fear that came with this huge responsibility; especially knowing that we had only been together for a very short time. After time, the stress became overwhelming. Everything was changing all at once and so unbelievably quickly. It felt like a train going downhill, picking up speed, with no ability to stop. We argued. A lot. About everything. I was so unbelievably exhausted with 1st trimester fatigue that I could barely stay awake for more than an hour at a time. I was nauseous, irritable, stressed, and overwhelmed. With time, Chris became more and more distant. I could sense he was completely freaking out. Our communication was failing. Everything started to fall apart. One afternoon on my way home from work, I made my regular "on the way home" call to Chris and without notice, completely unexpected, he dropped the bomb. In short- "I can't do this. I don't want this. I don't want you, and I strongly encourage you to put the baby up for adoption." I knew things had not been good between us for awhile, but looking at the circumstances we were facing, I never expected us to be doing exceptionally well. I saw it as a difficult season that we would pull through together. Well, he did not quite see it that way. He was done. And there was no convincing him otherwise. And I didn't try. I was never going to force a man to love me again. I had done that before. But what about my (our) baby? He said he felt like he had no say in the matter. He said that I was going to do whatever I wanted to do with my body and my baby and he had no say in the matter and was stuck with whatever my decision was. I told him I was keeping the baby and he had 3 choices. He could try to work this out and attempt his best effort at having a family, we could raise the baby broken up and share the responsibility, or he could sign his rights away and walk. He needed to think about it. I told him it was a big decision and that he could take his time to think it through. Suddenly I was single, and having a baby. That was quite a jagged pill to swallow. How had this happened? I went a month without getting an answer. In the meantime I had gone to my first and second dr's appointment, had an ultrasound, and cried many tears grieving the loss of a relationship and a dream. The grief had actually only just begun. I left him alone for the most part but as time was pressing on, I needed to begin to make some big decisions and I needed to know if I should include him in those or not. Finally, I received a text. Wow. A text. Gee thanks. "I think it would be best if I signed away my rights as I'm probably going to be out of a job and moving in the next few months." Why was he going to be out of a job? Where was he going? Did he honestly just have no sense of responsibility for this life he had helped create? Was he genuinely capable of being THAT cold? Man, apparently I had really missed the mark when I thought he was the greatest guy I had met in a really long time. Never in a million years did I think he was capable of doing something like this (even though I knew he had 3 kids before mine- one of which he didn't know, and the other 2 who lived across the country with their mom, his ex-wife of 7 years). Was I so desperate in my search for love and companionship that I had ignored virtually every red flag that came my way? How sad. So, it had been decided. I was doing this completely alone. He was out of the picture. To date, that's the last I've ever heard from him. Today I'm 34 1/2 weeks pregnant and it's crazy to think I've been pregnant for way longer than I was with him.
Someone told me something once that I will never forget. I was reminded that my precious baby was made in love. Chris and I were very much crazy about one another when we conceived. Regardless of what happened later, this baby was made by two consenting people who had a love, respect, and appreciation for one another. There is no mistake in that. And since then, God has continued to knit this baby together in my womb. Carefully and perfectly. He gave my baby FEMALE genitals and my heart is overwhelmed with joy at the thought of having my own precious daughter. My mind is overwhelmed with dreams and fantasies about the life we will share. In the Greek biblical translations, The word "Zoe" is used over and over throughout the pages of the Bible. In every instance it is used to represent the word "life." Life is what I chose. My sweet baby girl's name will be Zoe. Zoe Ann (after my sister and step-dad's mother). Here are some pictures of my sweet Zoe to date:
Isn't she beautiful? I'm definitely beginning to get the excitement bug. I want to meet her. I'm beginning to become undoubtedly uncomfortable as she gets bigger and bigger (overnight some nights, it seems). And as much as I am ready to be done, get her out, and meet her, I can't help but feel like I'm not quite ready for the huge responsibility. Am I ready for sleepless nights, sore nipples, acts of pure selflessness, and a life long commitment? No. But is one ever really ready? I doubt it. I have so many more thoughts, feelings, emotions, and experiences to uncover, but that will happen throughout the future pages of this blog. For now, this is what I have to share. Soul bear, tender bleeding heart, for all to see and know my story.
