I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow. It's absolutely crazy to know that Zoe is considered full term and could make her grand entrance at any time. As much as I don't feel like I'm emotionally or mentally ready for her to be here (I'm not sure that I ever will be), I am physically ready. I write this so I don't forget the symptoms I experienced during pregnancy. My gums have been swollen and inflamed and bleed easily since the beginning of my pregnancy all the way through. It is seriously difficult to slowly roll from my left side to my right side over and over throughout the night when it feels like I have a 20 pound bowling ball in my belly. I can't wait to sleep on my stomach and back again. Maybe I should say "lay" since it doesn't sound as though I'll be doing much sleeping after she arrives. Everyone and their mother keeps reminding me how sleep deprived I will be after having a baby. "Sleep lots now since you won't be able to ever again!" As though I can store it up and keep some on reserve... Got it. It's hard to walk or stand for long anymore. My pelvis hurts. I feel like she's just as crunched in my belly, ribs, and pelvis as she does, I'm sure. It's nearly impossible to get comfortable asleep or awake. My feet, ankles, and legs are so swollen and tender to the touch.
My hands swell at night and go numb. It takes 30 minutes to an hour after I wake up to be able to make a fist. I know that the impressive 90 pound weight gain hasn't helped the situation one bit. I feel like such a failure in that regard. Given one chance to give myself an excuse, and I gain 90 pounds of the 120 I lost right back. Perfect. It simply reminds me that I truly need my lap band to be successful at weight loss. My doctor doesn't want me to re-fill my lap band again until I'm done nursing. I really want to make that happen for at least a year, and I don't know if I can wait that long to start losing again. I fear the longer I go with an empty lap band, the more weight I will continue to gain. I'll have to see how nursing goes, and if it truly is a success, perhaps I can do a semi-fill 6 or 8 weeks after I start nursing.
Any day now my life will be forever changed. One minute I'll go from having a baby in my belly to having one in my arms. Suddenly, the most innocent and helpless little person on earth will be completely dependent upon me for everything; even her very life. I'm immensely overwhelmed by that responsibility. The only thing that brings me peace is knowing that millions of people do this every day...
