At a family gathering, the first thing out of everyone's mouth was "Oh my gosh! You look incredible!" Followed by a question: "How have you lost so much weight?!" I told everyone that I had been cutting portion sizes as well as not eating many carbs, which is a true statement... Anyway, it was great seeing the faces of everyone staring at me in shock. I even saw a few people looking at me and whispering. I wasn't concerned about it because I knew they were commenting on my size in a positive manner for once. However, I have to admit I was a little surprised because it didn't feel as amazing as I had pictured in my mind a million times. Perhaps that's because I'm not at my goal yet. I still have about another 50 pounds to go. Maybe it will feel better or more deserving then. Then again, maybe it won't.
The next question from everyone was "How is school and work? Aren't you almost done with school?" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I didn't know whether to tell the truth, or sit there with a fake grin on my face and reply that it was all going well. They had no idea about the total mental breakdown I had experienced just a few short months ago. They had no idea that everything in my life had fallen apart; that I had quit my job, dropped out of school, and left my house abandoned to move back in with my parents because of a mental breakdown that left me literally unable to function. How do you explain that to someone, let alone an entire group of people? I decided to be honest with everyone. I explained, in detail, the events of the last few months. I explained how my life had become extremely cluttered with responsibilities, things to do, heartbreak, disappointment, obligations, deadlines, decisions- big decisions regarding my future, etc... The list goes on and on. Anyway, there comes a point in one's life when the body, mind, and spirit says "enough is enough!" So here I am trying to pick up the pieces and figure out where to go from here. They were shocked and saddened, yet joyful to see that I was doing better. Then, like a snowball effect, they all came out of the woodwork. Almost every person shared with me their personal struggle with all things mental. Depression, panic attacks, anxiety, fear, etc. I learned things about my deceased father that helped me immensely to make sense of his suicide. It felt so good to know that I wasn't alone. It felt good, in a way, to know that this was genetic and not something that was simply just wrong with me. But then, I got angry. Really angry. My family has been plagued with this horrendous illness. It has run down the blood line from relative to relative. There's been multiple suicides. People in my family have been dealing with these issues for generations, and it makes me wonder, why us? Why me? It makes me angry, and quite frankly, it makes me afraid for my own future children.
Anyway, overall, I would say all good things came from my trip. Who knows when the next time I go will be, but hopefully I will be in an even better place physically, mentally, and spiritually.
