Who am I?

As I've been working on (procrastinating) updating my blog, Jodi Packe, my friend and Zoe's babysitter posts this on my facebook wall today:

http://www.graceisforsinners.com/life/what-falling-away-means/

And here's my reaction:

YESSSSSS!!!! This is it. This is what I've been waiting for. Three words came to me after reading this. "Who." "Am." " I?" 1. Who am I to think that my decisions, choices, mistakes, etc. could interfere with the ultimate plan of the God of the universe? I mean really. I need to get over myself. 2. I questioned God about His decision to harden Pharaoh's heart many years ago. His response to me came in the form of a scripture in Romans (which one, I can't recall) and went something like this: "I'm God. I do what I feel I need to do for MY glory and to SAVE you and people just like you. The end." Not to say I think He's hardened my heart. Maybe He has. Maybe He hasn't. But maybe He's let it REMAIN hardened for an ultimately greater purpose. I don't know. Either way, it doesn't really freaking matter because He's got this. All of it. He's taught me SO much about seasons. Seasons. Seasons. SEASONS. They change, they come, they go. Nothing remains the same, ever. Except His love for me. Last Sunday (not yesterday, the one before) He reminded me of His love for me. He stirred my heart. As if to say, "I am not like all your previous lovers. Or even lovers to come. My love for you remains. My love for you will never take you and use you for all you're worth only to leave you and abandon you. Your last lover left you and his own flesh and blood, of his own volition. I will not. Nor will my love pass over Zoe. She will never be without this Holy Love or without a Father." So maybe this is a season of hardening? How quickly and easily I forgot that I am that ONE sheep He would drop everything for to bring me back to HIS flock. And here's the kicker... How blessed am I to be one of the few that would KNOW HIS VOICE??? Once you've heard that voice... once you KNOW that Shepherd...you never forget. You can't un-know what's already been known! So I'll be over here, Lord. Doing what I'm doing. Running myself ragged. Spinning in this hampster wheel over and over and over again...until my hands are stained red, filthy, dirty, worn, beaten, bruised, stenched, disgusting, and rotten. Prepare my heart. Open my ears to hear You calling. I might decide I still want to play in this muddy grass over here for a little while longer, but I won't forget Your voice. I won't forget YOU. You haven't forgotten me. And still... I can't help but think, who the hell am I? Wow. Who feels humbled and free today? Like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders? This girl. Thank you my sweet, sweet Jodi.